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Grief and Loss

 

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.

C. S. Lewis

 

Tears are the silent language of grief.

Voltaire

 

What is Grief?

Grief is a normal and natural response to loss. Whether the loss involves the death of a loved one, the end of a special relationship, or becoming disabled -- and whether the person is a senior citizen, a child or a college student 鈥� all of us will experience loss and grief at some point in our lives.

At many points after a loss, the grieving person can benefit from the support of others. Individual grief reactions can vary widely, not only from person to person, but also within the same person over time.

Reactions to Grief

People who are grieving will experience many reactions to their loss. At various times, but especially at first, the grieving person may experience intense and sometimes conflicting feelings. Our brains shut down and can refuse to process such intense and upsetting information. Feelings of disconnection and a sense of 鈥榠ts not real鈥� can co-exist with strong feelings such as sadness, helplessness, loneliness, guilt, or anger. Experiencing and accepting these feelings as natural represents an important part of the recovery process.

Throughout the recovery period people who are grieving will experience many reactions. Some of the following reactions may indeed be experienced many times:

  1. Denial, shock, numbness -- reactions which distance the grieving person from the loss, thereby protecting him/her from being overwhelmed by emotions.
  2. Emotional releases -- these reactions accompany realizations of different aspects of the loss, they are often very physically located in the body (crying, screaming, shaking).
  3. Reactive Depression -- natural feelings beyond sadness (e.g., feelings of loneliness, isolation, hopelessness, sorrow) which occur as the person more clearly recognizes the extent of the loss.
  4. Panic -- feeling overwhelmed, confused, fearful, unable to cope.
  5. Remorse -- following a loss (whether through death, relationship breakup or disability) a grieving person sometimes becomes preoccupied with thoughts of what he/she might have done differently to have prevented the loss or to have made things better. This can be helpful as the person tries to make sense out of his or her situation, but can also lead to unrealistic feelings of remorse or guilt.
  6. Anger -- A significant loss threatens the grieving person's basic beliefs about himself or herself or about life in general. As a result (often to the grieving person's bewilderment), he or she can feel anger not only at a person perceived as responsible for the loss, or at God or life in general for the injustice of the loss, but also -- in cases of loss through death -- at the deceased for dying.
  7. Need to talk -- in order to recognize and come to terms with the impact of the loss, the grieving person may express feelings, tell stories and share memories, sometimes over and over with many different people.
  8. Physical ailments -- in response to the emotional stress of grief, many people are more vulnerable to a variety of physical ailments over the six to 18 months following loss (e.g., colds, nausea, hypertension, etc.).

Obstacles to Grief

Grief is a misunderstood and neglected process in life. Because responding to losses and death is often awkward and uncomfortable for both grievers and helpers, those concerned may avoid dealing with grief. With the myth that college years are always "happy years" and the concurrent failure